It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes I manage to reach a mood of Total Ecstasy. Total Horny Ecstasy. It’s a state of mind in which endorphin does its job, in which I surpass boundaries of depravity, of lust, and of sensual pain. Being in Total Ecstasy, I don’t care anymore and I take irresponsible risks, not matter the consequences. Lately I was in the Blessed State of Total Ecstasy.
It happened in and after the last weekend of October. After quite a heavy session on Friday, there were two ‘normal days’ before I would have my real big party on Monday. Normally, two days of behaving normally work as a kind of cooling down. Not this time. In the weekend I used every stolen moment to pep me up as much as possible. And Sunday evening, when I had the living room for myself quite early, I put on porn, wrote a self-torture program for the next day and made two decisions. One: next day I would go to Erotic Cinema and suck as many cocks as possible. Two: I would pay Mistress Tess a visit on November 15th (it would be my first appointment with her). I almost booked already, but a tiny little voice said: ‘Let’s wait till tomorrow, till I’m home again from my cock sucking business. And then, if I still feel like it, I’m going to book her’. I drank some more whisky to make sure I would be slightly hangover-ish and went to bed at 2 am. But not before I put two rings around my balls. I went into bed naked; if B. would stretch her arms or touch my crotch – which she sometimes does – she would have noticed something. The ecstasy was definitely on its way.
I slept for only 5 hours. Directly after B. had left, I got up. Shaved my balls again, removed lots of the hair on my chest and got rid of almost all of my pubic hair. Too much of the latter: this couldn’t (and wouldn’t) remain unnoticed. But, as I said: Total Ecstasy was on its way. After shaving I put on my new sexy stuff. The red and black corset, my new seemed stockings, the black leather collar, the chains and some more cockrings. Then I brought on the new makeup which I had bought on Saturday, placed the blonde wig on my head and stepped in my 12 cm heels. And, finally, I filled the cups of the corset with my newly bought silicon breasts. I went to the bedroom, raised the volume of the porn movie to the max and started flogging myself on the ass. Hard, even harder, as hard as possible... The combination of the screaming, panting and moaning from the tv and seeing myself like this in the mirror, made me crazy of horniness. I kept on flogging till my buttocks turned red and were burning at bit. I looked in the mirror again and I almost exploded. I realized that Total Ecstasy had arrived once more. I had arrived this Blessed State of Horniness. Nothing could stop me anymore today.
Ready for hard action
Total Ecstasy means total arousal. I go beyond a certain boundary. Being in this kind of mood I don’t mind the consequences of my actions anymore, I don’t mind getting caught or being seen (by the always curious neighbors for example). I just want to go for it: completely and totally. And so I went down to the living room. With my flogger and horsewhip in one hand and a construction lamp in the other. I made a ‘filmset’ in the room: prepared the sofa, checked out the light and prepared the camera. I took some shots to check if the camera was in the right position (so that I would appear on film from head till toe) and I was ready to start. In between I took some shots of whisky on my empty stomach. Knowing it would make me half drunk in no time and knowing that it would spark the ecstasy even more. I was ready for action. Imagine the scene: red clothes on the sofa, porn on tv, sound as hard as possible and me walking uncertainly on heels that are too high for me. I laid down on the sofa and spread my legs (on the film you see quite clear that there’s almost no hair left in an around my crotch). Took the flogger and started to beat my cock and balls. I was enjoying. The harder and faster the strokes came, the more I enjoyed. Than the horsewhip. I let the end of it come down on my dickhead and balls. Sharp feeling, but no real pain yet. After a while I paused. Stood up and prepared another set.
Hotter than hot
This time you see me bending over an armchair. Next to the chair the tv-set and some quite rough porn on it. Bending over the chair I am flogging my ass. It’s not that easy to do it right, to make sure that the leather straps hit my skin as hard as possible. Often I hit my balls from behind instead (no problem there!). Beating the front is easier and so I lay down in the chair and start to flog my cock and balls very fast. High frequency flogging. After a bit of caning another pause. And then I’m taking it one step further. I turn my back to the camera again and am facing the window that watches on the garden and offers a view to the street. And the reverse is also true. I pull up the roller blind. I’m visible now for any bypasser and for my neighbors in particular. Visible… dressed like this, doing the things I’m going to do again. Being visible turns me on and the strokes on my ass come harder and faster. I’m sweating like hell, my breathing has accelerated. It feels like cumming is underway. No, no, no. Not yet! Not now. And so I turn again and lay back in the chair. I’m determined: five last hits with the horsewhip and then I’ll go. I aim carefully and the small leather top perfectly hits my dickhead. The bruise is immediately visible (and will become worse). Four more hits. My cock has calmed. I’m hotter than hot.
Mistake after mistake
Time to check out the films I made take. They’re great. The light is good, the sound is good and I really look like a cheap transvestite slut or like a worthless whore being punished. I download the movie to my laptop and go back upstairs. Put on a wide t-shirt above my corset and my sport trousers. What to do with my face? The shiny red lipstick? The blue above and the black under my eyes. The rouge on my cheeks. Just one little phrase comes into mind: ‘I don’t give a damn anymore! I’m going like this. What the fuck and who the fuck cares. You only live once!’ I put my gear in a plastic bag: wig, shoes, nipple clamps, purple dildo. Take my wallet from the drawer, car keys and off I am. I walk to the garden gate. Look left, look right. A car approaches but no-one in the street. Pity! I step out of the gate and walk to my car. My heart is raging and I’m proud of myself. I drive away. Damn, damn, damn; nobody to been seen. No neighbors or acquaintances from the neighborhood.
Minutes later I am on my way to Amersfoort. I realize I’m quite drunk and that I shouldn’t be driving. Too late. I Park the car right in front of the cinema. I take my phone and start the parking app. First mistake: I register under B.’s license number. I don’t notice that. I go into the shop and buy a ticket and a towel. Straight to the lockers. Put out my shirt and trousers. The men around me watch me: guy (faggot?) in corset and stockings, full makeup, high heels… I check once more if my car keys are safely in the locker. Can’t find them. Panic, panic, panic. Have I left them on the counter, or lost in the street? I change again fast and go back into the shop. No keys left there. Even more panic. Back to the lockers. Pfff, right on the floor they are. Jesus, how stupid of me. I close the locker and start cruising. Of course. I'm going to look for cock first...
Is this a gangbang?
The gay cinema is empty. Hmm. That’s quite a setback. Because I really was ready to get on my knees for some unknown guys and give them the blowjob of their lifetime. Okay, let’s look elsewhere. Check out the dark room. Oh my god… I just can’t believe my eyes. Five, six naked men are standing in a circle, most of them pulling theirs cocks. From within the circle comes moaning. Definitely a woman. I see that one of the guys is fucking her. Is here really a gangbang going on? I hear the woman scream: she orgasms. Then she stands up and goes to a bench right under the movie screen. Now I can see her. A young and attractive black woman. The men follow her like dogs following a bitch in heat. One of them starts fisting her. She squirts, the floor becomes wet. I take my place between the men. One after the other looks at me and at my outfit. Nobody reacts. A devious idea pops up in my mind. What if… I bent over to the women - who is sucking one cock after the other while being fucked at the same time - her and ask: ‘Would you like to give one of the guys a blowjob together with me?’ She hadn’t noticed me until then. Now she looks at me, at my outfit and smiles. ‘I’m okay with it’, she sais. ‘But you have to ask him for permission’, and she points at one of the men. He about my age, thin, grey long hair and obviously her master. I ask him for permission and he has no objections. I look again at the woman. She is nice. Black, smooth, chubby and completely shaved. I ask the men around: ‘Anybody interested in a blowjob by me and her’. Most of them don’t even answer. One or two said mumble: ‘No, thanks.’ I don’t know what to do next. I go back to the gay movie room to see if there is any cock ready for sucking. No. Back to the gangbang. The group has changed position again.
Now they are in the dungeon room. Two of the men are putting to woman to an X-cross. They fasten her arms in wrist cuffs and put a mask on her eyes. She is fingered and fisted, than fucked by one after the other, and fisted again. She enjoys it: she makes sounds and produces moist. Then she’s freed again and they put her in the sling in the middle of the room. I take in a strategic position next to her and start to caress her: belly, tits, belly, tits. I Bent over and suck her nipples. I bring my hand to her cunt and start fingering her. She is open and easy but a bit dry. I spit on my fingertips and go back to her cunt. Massage her clitoris. Put in one, finer, two, three. It feels great. Meanwhile her hand finds my corset (she still wears the mask) and she likes it, she caresses the cloth. I am thinking of bending between her legs and licking her cunt. The mere thought makes me so horny. Licking her cunt, sucking in her juices, touching her clitoris with my tongue, swallowing the sperm that is already in here. Behave like a real slut ought to behave. But a last bit of common sense forbids me to do it. Think of the dangers! Think of possible diseases! So, I don’t do what I would like to do. In the meanwhile most of the men are ready for cumming. ‘Not on my face.’ she said. ‘Squirt it all on my tits. The first guy does. I think again: ‘Shall I lick it all up from her tits?’ You see: the ecstasy is at its height. But then again the voice of reason: ‘No, no, no, you stupid git, you’re not going to do it.’ I just go on caressing her and meanwhile smearing other men’s sperm over her chest. That feels good enough for the moment and it feels totally depraved and perverted. There are only three cocks left (mine included). I wait till she has served the other two and ask her then if she cares to suck me as well. ‘Sure, but quickly, because I have to go. My man is coming home soon.’ I have to stretch my legs to the utmost to position my cock in front of her mouth. But I manage. She starts to suck and within seconds I come. Right into her mouth.
Big, big trouble
I leave the room, go to the loo and clean up myself a bit. Put on my normal clothes and wipe out most of the makeup. Go back to my car and watch my phone. Just one message. From B. ‘You’re parking under my license. What’s her name?’ In a split second all of my ecstasy and horniness is gone. I’m fucked. I’m in deep, deep trouble. I it’s almost 2.30 and I’ve got just one hour and a half left to go home, clean up the mess I left behind and make up a plausible story to explain my presence in Amersfoort. I’m racing home. Suddenly I realize that only two days ago I left a review on the website of Erotic Cinema. Something about being treated very nice by Patricia when I - a crossdresser - was buying a corset. Signed: kinquiebart. I realized what I would do if I was her: looking up what’s going on at the address where I parked. Erotic cinema? Hmm, let’s have a look. Hey, reviews… Kinquiebart… Two days ago. Let’s google kinquiebart. Okay… a website. What’s going on there? And the… the overwhelming truth staring her in the face. Is this my man…? I drive faster and faster. I must delete everything a.s.a.p. Coming home I don’t even take the time to undress. I start deleting page after page. It takes me almost half an hour to get rid of it all. Then a brilliant idea. I call the sexshop and beg the man who answers my call to remove my review at once. I’m lucky. Only minutes later its gone. Right, clean the house. I’m getting to it at top speed. Mistakes again. I overlook the golden blond hairs from my wig that are all about the house. But I’m ready before she comes home. She’s friendly and asks me how my day has been. ‘Well, I went to Amersfoort to see a sex movie’. ‘Why there? Why not on your computer as you normally do. Or on tv?’ Good question. ‘I wanted to see a special kind of movie.’ She asks no further, but after a while she says: ‘I find this quite shocking!’ No more talking. Big relief. But then I went to the toilet. I saw my cock and the missing public hair. I saw big black and violet stains on my dickhead. How the hell could I explain that? I would have to hide my underbelly for days without making myself suspected. I was completely panic stricken. I realized that I was in trouble, in real big trouble…
The days after
At first I managed to hide myself quite well. Slowly the bruises went away, but of course the underbelly remained bold, very bold. Luckily I had made a few appointments for this week. Thursday I would go to friend Joris and stay there for the night. And last weekend I would go to Cologne with friend Cees. Wednesday evening she asked me very nicely if I would erase some porn movies that I had forgotten to delete. And Saturday morning – while I took a shower – she kept put on the toilet. I had turned my back to her, but finally I just had to turn. I think she kept sitting there on purpose, to check me out. And so she noticed that I had shaved myself. She asked me so and of course I could not deny it. ‘What the hell is going on with you?’ she asked. I had an explanation ready. About nighttime ejaculations. Sperm hard to remove from pubic hair. Smelly bits in daytime. The nice part about it is that it is no lie, but the remedy is a bit harsh maybe. I don’t know if she believed it. In her case I would have asked myself all kinds of nasty questions. She didn’t or didn’t yet do it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it just fits in her opinion of me: suffering of hypomania I’ve done more stupid things in the past. So it fits in the picture. Or she has decided that she doesn’t want to know the answers that I might give. That would be very wise. To a certain extent we all are entitled to have secrets or to choose to be ignorant.
At first I wanted to throw it all away. Not only my website, my Fetlife and Twitter account, but also my gear and even my external hard disk with thousands of selfies and hundreds of movies. On the day itself there just wasn’t enough time to do it. Thank god. Two days later – I was free from work – I was wandering myself all day whether I should dispose of it all. I just couldn’t. And I’m very happy for that now. I’ve done that dozens of times. Regret, make a clean slate, never do it again. I’m beyond that now. And let’s be frank: I don’t have the intention to clean the slate. On the contrary. It will go on, I will go on. My first gangbang was absolutely not my last. I will be very careful for some weeks, but then I will go on. Back to Erotic Cinema. And one day I will be just the same cock sucking slut as was that black woman. I’m looking forward to it!